This is one for all my ladies. We meet a guy, get super excited, they are perfect, doing everything right, showing interest in the things you like and do, asking questions, being attentive…. you know, good morning texts… everything and more! Then, BOOM! Things slowly start to change, sometimes happening from one day to another. Now I could sit here and give you a bunch of reasons why he bailed… commitment issues, met somebody else, sex thing, side thing, player, he wasn’t that into you, etc… I could tell you what are the signs for each reason, and you would sit there racking your brain, calling friends, thinking about the vary thing that isn’t going to help you for next time. So, rather than focusing energy and time finding answers for the past, I’m going to provide you with some solutions for the future.
First, let’s start by explaining what exactly is a waste man. In the most basic definition: a waste man is a guy that wastes your time… plain and simple. He gives you all the right reasons and is in it for all the wrong reasons. He is the guy that makes you fall by saying and doing all the right things, until one day things change. One of three things happen with waste man: One, you either open your eyes to the reality of things, that is, the inconsistency between what it is and what it is not, in other words, that he isn’t the person he claims or that things aren’t the way they have presented. Two, shit hits the fan and you open your eyes too late, leaving you wounded, cleaning up the mess he made of you. Three, nothing happens, things just dissipate, he disappears unable to face reality and you either remain oblivious to it or put the pieces together. Waste man appear in all relationships, friendships, friends-with-benefits, dating (non-exclusive/non-commitment), partnerships, etc… But, here is the thing, not every waste man will appear as a waste man. And, in today’s society, there are so many faces people wear due to social media, it’s actually allows everyday people to become great actors, capable of portraying multiple characters. But, here is the other problem, we too are caught up on social media, not even presence to the moment and which is occurring right before our lives, so caught up in feelings blinded by reality. It’s crazy! And, as mentioned it is so difficult to pinpoint waste man nowadays, some are so good at what they do… trust me I know! I have had my share of waste man.
There was one, we moved in together and he turned out to be the biggest waste man. He was mentality and emotionally abusive, smart as shit, but the biggest of lairs. Claimed to own a bar he had to sold to parents, because he was strapped for cash after a failed marriage and business due to his destructive behaviour and continual drug addiction, which he was great at disguising, and not because he was ashamed, but because of his addiction to power, the feeling of invincibility. He wanted to have one over you, it made him feel justified in his actions, which is why he couldn’t be honest about it, because in his twisted mind he would be weakened should anyone have known the battle he was facing. So, he put on this act, not because he was afraid people wouldn’t accept him, but because he wouldn’t accept himself. He sold me such a dream. Fancy dinners, gifts, and even his actions, he was so passionate, he really did care, he was just destructive and had too much pride to admit it. Feeling entitled, he never did anything around the house, maybe took out the garbage once or twice, that’s about it… he did pay for almost everything, and the sex… damnnnnn!!!! I didn’t know who I was the next day! So I’ll give him that, but he was a complete waste man. No desire to change, no desire to grow, yet with all the reason to show change… so manipulative… so good with his words. He is one person I would give an Oscar too! He put on some great performances.
Let me share another, only because I’m having fun sharing. Waste man number two, he moved in with me… OoOoOhh boy, ohh boy. It started by sleeping over on weekends, which eventually turned into a full time thing. Talk about Oscar winning performances… he beats out all of them, close tie between the one mentioned above, but hit it out of the park when befriending my family. Out of the 3-4 months he lived with me, not once did he contribute, no rent, no grocery money -nothing. I actually paid his 3 month past due phone bill twice (like a dumbass), paid me back the first time, not second. And the sex… not worth it one bit, and actually became non-existent (umm… I thought that’s what boyfriends were for, to avoid drought -guess not); he did make me feel loved, important and showed interest, but only up to a certain point… he was a waste. Destroyed my place after I kicked him out when he disrespected one of my really close friends, by trying to kick him out of my place… yeah, that’s right… just take that in. I’ll repeat that, he tried to kick out MY friend out of MY place. And, I mean he went to his face, right up in his face and told him to get out. Ummm, I think not! It’s one thing to disrespect me, but my friends and family, that’s something completely different. So, I literally paced back and forth for about 5 mins after my friend left, which was not because he told him too, but rather because I needed to deal with the situation, and so… I went right to his face pointed to the door and told him to ‘GET THE F*CK OUT!’. And, that night I slept like a baby… what a complete waste.
As you can see I most definitely have a Ph. D in waste man… it is all about the intention… Intentions are everything! Remember that, in all and any relationship in life. Hence why it is extremely important to pull yourself back, stepping outside of feeling so that you understand the intention behind every character you come across. But, it is important to know not to judge, although I have had my share of waste man, I don’t judge by thinking less of them, yes I call them a waste man, but what might be a waste man for me might be a great man for you. We are all different and require different things at different times, so you can characterize them, but don’t judge them.
First and foremost, we must observe without judgment, just merely observe. Keep your eyes opened and ears listening at all times. Pay attention to his actions, listen to what he says, make note of what he does. Speak less, while being present to your surroundings, the environment and the people. Don’t judge, just observe. Take note. What is the energy? The vibe? The characters? What is your present state? Good day? Bad day? Everything. Be aware of everything! ALWAYS! This is the way in which you can to understand a person, being mindful of the little things. It is the only way that you can offer the most genuine space to grow something fruitful and rip out the weeds. Warning: not everything means something, hence why it is so important to always be presence, without distraction and without judgment, just patience and understanding so that you can distinguish the truth from the falsehoods while still giving it a fair shot.
Now that we can that out of the way, let’s begin.
Sign #1: Over Compensation
If he is going over and above to impress you… fancy dinners, buying you things, doing and saying all the right things… take it in. Enjoy it, live it up and soak it up. Just beware. Don’t judge, don’t make assumptions. Just be present. Because, if he is too attentive to that which you want, it isn’t to say that he doesn’t want to make you happy, but he could want to make you happy for other reasons, that is, to fool you and keep distracted from acknowledging his true nature, whether it be for good or bad intention, regardless if it does or doesn’t benefit you, it could very well be a disguise.
Sign #2: Whatever He Is Selling, Don’t Buy It
If he says, ‘I’m not like other guys’, he is like other guys. If he says, ‘I don’t just want sex’, he just wants sex. If he says, ‘you can trust me’, you can’t trust him. Whatever statements of self he makes, that is, the way he defines himself to you and who he is, is the exactly opposite. In other words, however he is selling himself to be, in one ear and out the other. The fact that someone has to state who they are, selling themselves in such a way, is because they themselves need to believe it, almost as if they justify themselves enough times they will in fact be that person they are so desperately claiming to be. Because, if one is confident in who they are and have genuine intentions, they don’t need to state them, for it merely understood by means of their presence.
Sign #3: Late Night Messages
This is an obvious one, but nevertheless it must be stated. So, I get it, we drink, start feeling a kind of way, but if that is the only time they have the ‘courage’ to speak to you, then chances are it is definitely about something much different than courage. I had a guy once tell me, ‘I don’t want sex, I’m not like that, I could care less for it’ to only turn around and disappear, reappearing randomly at 2am, 4am… messaging me… ummmm, okay?! To then play it off by sending a kiss emoji after I would reply the next day, yet claiming it to not be about sex… right?! I get it, we get horny when drinking, but don’t not talk to me when your sober and only talk to me when you have been drinking… and definitely don’t be sending no kiss emoji as if we’re something more, as if you feel some kind of way about me, when in day time hours I’m nothing to you. So pay attention to the times in which he chooses to talk with you, as well as the things he says throughout those times.
Sign #4: Baggage
We all have baggage whether or not we like to admit it, we must definitely do, and you’re only lying to yourself if you claim not to. Now some of baggage we can see, that is, of the physical form, such as kids, exes, etc., others have emotional and mental baggage, which can’t be seen. But, what is important is not the baggage one carries, but rather how one deals with the baggage they carry. Now, it is much easier to observe how one deals with the physical baggage, granted that it is there in plain sight. but in either case, one must observe and take note. For example, I had ex with a daughter, at first sight you would think he was the greatest father, had a tattoo of her name, spoke about her all the time, joked with her….. but he was probably one of the worst fathers ever, yes he spoke about her but never spoke to her, never saw her, he used her as a means to get back at his ex. Observation is key.
Sign #5: Inconsistencies
Inconsistencies is huge in determining whether or not he is a waste man. Here are some tips to pin pointing some.
Tip #1: Benefits
Look at the benefits, that is, what is he receiving vs. what you are receiving. Keep in mind, what men see as valuable is different from what we see, so don’t be ignorant to the physical and/or material aspect of your interactions with one and other. Yes, emotional and mental is a huge part, but in terms of men, we must always take note of the physical and material aspect of the circumstance. Always look for what he stands to gain from the relationship, is it a free ride, sex, influence, control, love, etc. and then look at what you stand to gain and see if it is in alignment with that which you are receiving.
Tip #2: Ask Questions & Observe
Ask more questions about him, about life… engage in conversation. Don’t argue, don’t fight… talk openly, again don’t judge, obverse that which he is comfortable talking about and that which he is not. Pay attention to how he responds. Does he ask questions in return? Does he avoid topics? Does diver the topics? And if he does, when? What are the topics? How often does he diver? How does he diver? Are the things he says in alignment with that he does? Does he act in accordance with what he claims to believe in? How does he define himself vs. how does he carry himself? These are all question you need to ask yourself, finding answers in his actions by means of observation. Don’t be oblivious to that which is right in front of you.
Tip #3: Big Himself Up
Someone that has to speak highly of themselves have something to prove, hence why they feel the need to say it, almost as though, if they say it, it holds more truth. It is one thing to participate in self affirmations, but it is a whole other thing to self-affirm yourself to others, that is, always defining yourself and who you are to others, which goes back to point number three. The more he talks about himself, who he is, who he defines himself to be, the more of a waste man he is, because the minute someone defines who they are to you is the minute that they close themselves off to to what they can be, as a result closing themselves off to what could be.
Tip #4: Action
Pay attention to what he says and what he does, watch for what he claims and what he actually follows through with. Why? Because how you do anything is how you do everything. Yes, there are times and/or things that can hold us back from acting, but my mom always told me ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ and that is 100%. If you want it you will take it, regardless of the obstacles, you will make sure it happens. So, if there are things not being acted on, then that alone shows the disinterest… shows there is something else at play. Because regardless if you are a person loaded with determination or not, you will most definitely prevail in obtaining anything you want, especially if you truly want it. so, if he ain’t willing to work for it he ain’t worth it.
Tip #5: Keeps You A Secret vs. Appearance
There are two reasons why he keeps you secret: one, he has been hurt and is being cautious; two, he has no intention of keeping you around. So, it is up to you to figure out which one it is. Does he tell his family or friends about you? Does he show you off or pretends he doesn’t know you? And if he shows you off, is it for image? Appearance? Or does he avoid public appearance? Either or, isn’t a good sign, it illustrates he is either hiding something or too afraid to show something, and in either case, it’s waste man. The fact that he is too afraid to be opened is because there is something to be ashamed of or a discomfort of some sort, for we only hide that which we too afraid stand for or are uncomfortable with admitting. Either way it illustrates inconsistencies.
Sign #6: Questioning Yourself
The minute you find yourself questioning is the minute to need to start taking into account everything, it’s the minute you need to revert back to all the mental notes you have taken. The fact that you are questioning yourself suggests that there is something that isn’t right, something that needs to be further looked into, whether it be the cause of yourself or the cause of his actions, it is something that needs to be investigated. Why are you questioning yourself? What are you questioning?
Sign #7: Topics of Conversations
What are your conversations? Is it about people? Life? What is it that you guys actually speak about? Are you guys engage in each other’s lives? Offering wisdom, guidance and solutions? Or are you dealing with problem after problem after problem? I had a guy once, who showed interested in everything I did, supported everything I did, had my back, everything… but the majority of the time the conversations led no where, he was great at offering advice, terrible at touching my soul with wisdom. So, watch for the meaningless conversations that led to no where land.
Sign #8: Reasons & Excuses
When he starts providing excuses and/or reasons for why this and why that, be aware! Because he has no desire to change, to grow or to progress… he is set in his ways and has no intention of seeing pass them. There are those that provide reasons, but once you bring them to light, then they alter their direction of focus; but, then there are others, that regardless of whether or not you bring them to light, they choice to be ignorant to that which holds them back, feeding into excuses. Therefore, if you find that there is always a reason and/or excuse, he will always provide an excuse and/or reason to justify his actions regardless of how you feel. Remember, how you do anything is how you do everything.
Now here is the fun part, I have given you signs and tips on what to look for, but now it’s test time. My favourite!!
Ask three simple questions, such as, what is your favourite colour? What is your favourite fruit/food? What is your biggest pet peeve? etc. Ask one question at a time and wait for his response, then ask the next. Now, if he responds and asks what about yours… you have a winner. But, if he responds without asking what is yours… DING DING you have yourself a waste man. Logic behind this theory is if he really wants to get to know you, then he most definitely will show interest by engaging in conversation, for it is a natural reaction to response to set questions and ask ‘and you?’, so the fact they he doesn’t illustrates that he truly doesn’t care to know you, and his intentions/mind are else where.
Share something personal, it doesn’t have to be in depth, but just something that has or is an obstacle in your life and wait for the response. If he consoles you, amazing. If he offers his wisdom and advice, amazing. But, if he divers it, changes the topic of conversation, be on alert. For it could be one of two reasons, one he could be dealing with his own issues and doesn’t know how to offer advice (but, then again that’s baggage and when real life happens you are going to need someone that offers more than just a diversion), or two he doesn’t give a shit. In either case, the lack of engagement on the topic shows his disinterest in trying to understand you on a deeper level.
Be difficult. Don’t make things easy. Now, ladies I hope you understand what I mean here. Close them legs and don’t make yourself too available. When he asks to take you out, don’t go the first time. When he messages you, don’t answer right away. When he teases you, don’t give in. NEVER GIVE IN!! It will be hard, but whatever you don’t do it. If he is still around in a few months and makes you his girlfriend, then boom you have a winner. But, if you give in, I can almost guarantee that he won’t stick around, and most definitely will not make you his girlfriend. But, if he is still around after a few months and has yet to make you his girlfriend… find yourself the exit, because he is a waste man.
I have studied man… people… for quite some time, and I’ve actually put my theories into practice, they are pretty accurate. But, just remember not to judge throughout the process, just merely observe and take note. For this is a simple guideline in aiming to distinguish the character from the intention, which than allows you to have a better idea of what you are getting yourself into. The key is to observe and understand the actions being taken, while protecting yourself without blocking yourself, that is, being opened and surrendering to life, while still being present to the reality of things. It is in understanding how to not get caught up in the feelings and focus of the actions being taken. It is in understanding the distinction between character and intention, that will keep you away of waste man.
Now, go out there and put my theories to work and let me know how it goes!