Who Knows?!

So the last few months have been a bit chaotic… up and down… between a new job, adjusting to a schedule, finding a routine and just organizing life all together… and let’s not forget writing my book and launching it.. it has definitely drained me and part of me has lost my writing mojo in terms of site content. But, now I’m back it…

Why?! Well because I realized I came here to write and being that I went from writing everyday to writing only a couple of a week this last month isn’t sitting with me very well. And I definitely have to make some changes. Problem is I haven’t figured what exactly what it is that is holding me back, or I should say keeping me from writing. I have been playing games on my iPad… haha so between virtually running a restaurant and annihalting the human race, I haven’t prioritized writing, as these are very important to my existence… my presence… impact on the world. Maybe it is because of the transition, lifestyle change, that is, going from waking up to when I’m finished sleeping to waking up to alarm… not sure, but part of just mentally drained, partly out of my element… my space.

I know that writing my currently released book, Black & White Answers, which took a lot out of me, and I mean a lot. Being that the book is a dialogue between myself and my demons… that is, unresolved issues… unanswered questions… a journey to finding peace and healing from that which torments my soul deeply… was incredibly draining. Took only two months to write, and that was because it was tortuous writing it… digging deep into things which I buried and kept buried for quite some time… sharing parts of me that I have masked for so long… revisiting situations, relationships and internal battles that I never had any intention to expose myself to yet again… and though it was healing, and learned quite a bit about myself and everything else in between, it was a difficult writing and editing process. The tears definitely flowed… and I mean that flowed, heart wretching in many… many ways.

I must say, it is worth the read… and most definitely worth the doing, and I’m not saying this because it is my book; but rather it is a tool that can be used toward self-love… toward healing and finding closure in all areas of life. Not only was I vulnerable in my writing in the questions asked… that is, in the battles… the demons… I was addressing… I put myself on the outside, placing myself in the shoes… the perspective of the other side, answering that which I was seeking answers too. And as harsh as some of the answers were, and though known prior, it is one thing suspect the reasoning behind the heartache, another to ‘know’… to place yourself in the other side and truly get it… and I mean GET IT… understanding to the fullest extend and to then read over and hearing it, being once again in your shoes… hurts… kills even, yet while at the same time offers so much insight into any many occurences, granting the ability to find answers to that which I would have never had… wisdom which I would have never come if I hadn’t. So, when I say it is a tool for one’s healing process, it definitely is.

The creation of this book made me grow quite a bit, not only am I in a different country… alone, without family or close friends nearby… without distractions. I’m also away from a life I knew for thirty years, writing on that I have lived with for years, concealed and hidden, uncovering things about myself, about others… the ones I love and the ones I hate, the ones that hurt me and the ones I hurt… and though the process was a torturous one, it was revolutionary.

I was so against going home, back to Toronto, so stuck on making Europe my new home, due to all the heartache… the suffering inside me and around me, but now I’m so ready to go back home. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here… the people are great, the lifestyle is great and the weather is ideal… but I can’t help but want my life back. My family, my people… the world I knew… chaos and all. Ironic, because a few months ago, I was finding so many reasons as to why going back would be a mistake, wouldn’t work and would essentially be the end of me… my writing and my goals. Now, I’m finding every reason why it will work, why it is the best thing I could do, not only for myself, but for my family. And being that I’ve partially lost my writing mojo, makes me think home is the only way to get it back… home is my motivation, and though it has it’s faults, it’s obstacles… it is home. And I miss it more than I have ever expected. And being that I’m refreshed… renewed and healed… I’m ready to make it happen… so Toronto, you might see me sooner than you think.