eaten alive

Eaten Alive

Lately, it’s been a struggle. It’s been huge transition. And at first I was refreshed, ready and capable. But as time goes on, all of that is slowly depleting. Finding energy whenever it can. And I’m just not use to it.

When I was abroad, I didn’t need to refill my energy, but if there was a case I did… an instant where it was required I would park myself on beach… or in the middle of nature and just be… or better yet, just listen to the waves. Now I don’t have that luxury.

And yes it sounds posh. Super princess. But it was simple. I didn’t have half of the shit I do here. And I loved it. Don’t get me wrong, I love being back… love being home… having my closet, my space, my family and friends… I love having my lifestyle here. 

Yet, I can’t help but wonder if it really is my home, because home is peace, it is love… home is truth… And since I’ve been back there hasn’t been much truth. Only obligation… unwarranted disguised as necessary. It’s been eating me alive, slowly… little by little. 

I’ve never been so out of place as I am now. I guess that is the consequence of not being true to yourself, disregarding yourself. 

When I left Portugal, I did so for my mom… for my family… the business, but I never thought it would cost me what it has. When I was away, I found myself in so many ways. And though, I missed home, now that I’m back it’s no longer home.

I need nature, peace, quiet… I need me back. And I don’t get that here, I’m too focused on everyone else and everything else. And yes it sounds selfish, but I don’t care. I’ve put in my time,  done my part and now it’s time to move on… move forward.

But I can’t do that here, too many pressures, requirements and expectations. All of which I want nothing to do with. It isn’t because I’m ungrateful or unappreciative… or that I don’t want to put in the effort. It’s just not me. I’m not that person. Yet, here I am forced to be that person.

And after of year abroad embracing who it is I am, to then conceal and live out who it is others need me to be has been eating me alive.

And yes I have expressed myself, but doesn’t change anything… if anything, it causes more chaos. Hence why I’ve stayed quiet as the years progressed. Because the only way out…. is OUT.

As much as I love the city, as much as I have built myself here. I can’t do it. It’s no longer home for me… and not because of my family dividing, but rather because I’m restrained… constricted… Unsupported. 

I find myself being defined by everything that isn’t me, all to please everyone else. And I just can’t. I’ve been denying myself for too long.

And ever since I got a taste of what the other side is like.. I know it’s what I want. The problem how do I get there?!

Before I had school, a means to escape without question… without arguments… yet still faced with it all. But, it was understood. Now, I no longer have that and the pressure is beaming. As though I’m expected to X, Y and Z… regardless of A, B and C.

Because it doesn’t matter that I spent five to six years getting a degree.  It doesn’t matter that I want something else for myself. It doesn’t matter that I stay up until all hours of the night writing… working on something else… creating something else… something other than that which has been established. It just doesn’t matter.

What matters is being here, me giving myself to the cause, even if it isn’t one want. Because it just doesn’t matter, for I have an obligation… a requirement.

One that eats me alive as it disregards my happiness… devalues my ability and completely disregards my worth.

Why?!

Because it has given me everything I have today… options. My question is… what is the point?! That is, what is the point… or rather what was the point, to create options if they are never to be utilized?!

For why make something accessible, if you have no intention of using its accessibly?! In addition, if its use requires a lifetime of obligation and requirements… conditions. Then why make it as though there are options when in actuality there none?!

And so, I write this knowing that there is a decision to be made…

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