Love?!
Love… such a twisted concept… so controversial, for it is the most beautiful thing, yet the scariest… so much to gain with so much to lose. It’s so complicated… you want it, you can’t help but desire it… long for it… but, then when it’s there you run away from it, because of its reality. Being scared for so many different reasons, but no matter the reason it either falls into one of the three categories: it’s foreign, all too real or you’re just playing a game.
I’ve played the game before, sad to admit, now I’m not saying I’m a cheater, unfaithful or dishonest… what I mean is, I literally watched people fall in love with me… allowing them to fall in love with me… when I had no intent of falling in love with them. Full disclosure they somewhat deserved it, in the sense that they themselves were playing a game… only wanting one thing, never getting it. It was a game for a while, as they partially deserved it, karma is a bitch and I was simply the bitch that executed it, I used it to my advantage… I was evil for a time there, 5 years or so, no physical engagement, just mind fuckery…
The problem is being able to execute such a thing so swiftly, kind of fucks with you… which is the real karma, because part of you has been so excellent at executing fuckery, that you partially don’t see it coming, you just do it, without even knowing… so part of you can’t trust yourself or others for that matter.
And because, you are unsure if it is a for real kind of thing or just a for now kind of thing… blinds are up. And, the thing is only time will tell… it is only when you meet someone else do you really know. And, I’m not talking about madly in love kind of thing, I’m talking about who holds your heart… because, if you hold your heart and you meet someone you can choose to give it away or not, but if someone else holds your heart and you meet someone there isn’t a choice… for it is no longer with you to give, which keeps you from acting. Keeps you stuck… unable to move forward, as you yet to let go…
For the worst thing one can do is not allow themselves to be loved, when the vary thing they need is love… which is a whole another kind of fuckery… wanting and yearning, yet incapable… unaware of the fortress they have built around themselves, not only as response to others, but in response to themselves. For they have seen, know first hand, as they themselves partaken… seen just how easy it all is… by their own hand, faith… trust in love is lost, yet the yearning never stops.
It’s kind of always a twisted game…
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